I’m trying to relax right now.
It’s really difficult because I feel like I have so much extra things to do but I don’t at the same time.
For example, tomorrow I only have one class (Western Studies from eight until nine thirty in the morning) and then I am done for the rest of the day. HOWEVER. I have three classes on Friday. Two of which have quizzes each week on that day. And they are both math classes.
So, even though I am a mathematics major, these quizzes scare me so much. I think the main reason why I am panicking about it is because I do not clearly know which sections are going to be on these. At lease the teachers are better then my last math class, where the questions for those weekly quizzes could be pulled from any material we had learned up until that point.
Either way, it is ten forty in the evening and I am sitting here not knowing what to do with myself. I have a very large chunk of time tomorrow (ten in the morning until eight in the evening other wise known as vammppiiree diarrriesss time) that I am going to dedicate to either studying for these two quizzes, possibly going to the gym, and having lunch and dinner. I have also went over some problems today but I still feel like tomorrow is not enough time for me.
It does not help my situation that this semester I want A’s in all of my classes, which adds so much stress to having everything perfect. I also started a ‘job’ babysitting a girl and tonight was my first time. I used to work as a hostess at a restaurant where I was running around all nice and being busy. Now, I am picking up a girl from school, helping her with her homework, and watching television with her until her mother gets home. I am getting paid to watch television with her. It’s fantastic.
Either way, I need to learn to stop stressing sooner or later and just enjoy myself while I can.
Monday, February 4th, 2013.
I feel like it is getting to the point where I am slowly letting myself get upset over my life. What sucks is that a am aware of what I am doing and not stopping myself. I think I am not doing anything about it because there isn’t anything to do. Nothing is exactly wrong in my life right now that can’t be fixed.
I should be okay with myself. I am an eighteen year old girl who lives in the United States and is able to get an education at a decent college. I have a group of friends here and a boyfriend, who even though currently lives far away and I miss him so much and I just want him to be here with me right now, I know that he cares for me and that makes me happy. I am lucky.
But there is a huge part of me that just isn’t happy and I’m tired of pretending that I am. I know that I have to because if I don’t it would just make things stupid, and that a lot of people feel the same way as I do, but it’s tough. I hate how society is set up. I hate the idea of money and jobs and what is considered normal and civil and the idea of living a perfect life.
I don’t want any of that. I’m not looking forward to getting a degree, or a job, or a family and friends. I don’t want to travel or find a hobby or anything like that. I don’t want to exist.
This is a little dramatic, I know, but this is the only place I can type this without anyone saying anything.
Going Back To School.
Today, the majority of my time was spent doing a bunch of nothing. The last couple of hours, however, consisted of Naz and I on a Skype call. It definitely was not one of my favorites and I ended the call rather immaturely.
We both know that I do not take care of myself regularly and I let other people hurt me. I had to tell him about something that happened Saturday night which then he asked me whether I would hurt myself if the situation were to ever happen again, but escalated. I know that I cannot lie to him so I had to tell him the truth that yes, I would do something to myself. Of course I can understand his reaction of being angry and making sure that I will not do anything that will cause harm to myself, but then he always seems to get out of control.
A couple of hours later he called me back and wanted to talk with me. He likes to let me vent my feelings because he feels like I have no one else to do that to. A lot of the times I do not do it because of the way he handles it but this time I tried. It got to the point where he started to call me names, and when I would get upset about them, he would get angry at me for caring about what he said. It was so frustrating that by the fifth of sixth time he called me a cunt, and then proceeded to laugh at me because I was getting angry at him for calling me that, that I just ended the call.
I haven’t done that in months because he hates when I do that but he hasn’t contacted me since. It was nice to just not have to listen to him say all of that stuff, but at the same time I know that by the way I was acting his words could be justifiable. I just wish that he wouldn’t say that because if anyone’s opinion of me mattered, it would be his, and I don’t want to know that he thinks that way towards me.
On the drive back to school tonight I ended up crying within the first five minutes because all I wanted to do was turn around and hang out with my mother. She’s like my best friend and being home is so nice because I get privacy and just ugh. I’m being bratty but sometimes I just wish that everything was even easier then it already is. Meh.
Last night I actually managed to do a lot of my homework. It was nice because I did not think I would be able to. I took notes and outlined all of chapter one for my history class and now I just have to compile all of the information that is needed for the test into one area instead of scattered throughout twelve pages.
So, basically the rest of my homework that overlaps into this week is as follows:
- write a two page reflection for the article I read last night
- read the wife of bath tale by friday
- fix the homework problems for calculus
- fix the homework problems for discrete structures
- think of a thesis statement for the paper in history
And then basic things that I need to do this week:
- pick up the keys tomorrow night at six pm
- do the yoga video on p90x
- remember to bring back to school: boots, tablespoon, all the food and drinks purchased from Costco, and more shorts or sweats
- taking a shower today would be appreciated, actually, take a bath with the nice sea salts, sooooo nice.
- enjoy all the food that is going to be made today
- make sure Naz goes to the doctor tomorrow
- Wednesday: pick her up at 3:15 at school
- purchase ticket, and remind everyone else to purchase theirs, before Thursday
- go to rutgers on saturday for the competition
- read the second and third plays and write up responses for CEC’s
As you can tell, I like to make lists. It calms me down. Oh, and by the way, if anyone has not tried the Costco Carrot Cake, GO NOW. Delicious.
I went home this weekend so I would be able to get a lot of homework done, see my cats and my family, and spend a good amount of time alone in my room so I would be able to Skype my boyfriend. (Which, is so much fun for me, I know it doesn’t sound it but I look forward to this part of my day).
He, however, refused to go to the doctor even though I told him to go days ago and he now is sick and cannot talk for long periods of time. This makes me sad, and a little angry, and really worried. But, he promised to go on Monday and if he doesn’t then I will yell at him while I am sitting in the lounge and people will awkwardly stare at me through the glass wall. Yep.
In other news, I think I am feeling pretty good. I mean, I am still eating less than what I should be having with the occasional binge and excessive exercising, but I feel okay. I do not feel weak and I have a good amount of energy. I am nervous about tomorrow because my parents are both making a lot of unhealthy food that does not have the nutrition information. Even though it probably will taste really good and I will not deny myself from having any, it’s still weird knowing that I care so much about this. I just want to be normal and be able to have some tasty food, know that it’s not healthy and feel a little guilty about it, and move on and enjoy the rest of my day. I hate feeling like I can’t eat anymore and I’ll have to fast tomorrow or go run at the gym for this many miles or ugh. It’s difficult but I am trying.
I am trying to make myself a better person and I want to move forward and do things with my life instead of focusing on all of the negatives. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing at times and I know this isn’t going to last that long because I get angry with myself way too quickly, but I will hope for the best.